On May 5th, Icezer again contacted Bloops, this time dropping a huge wall of text on them. According to her, she was going to post it to Twitter, but people told her not to.

Regardless, she deemed it suitable to send to her victim.

This block of text is EXTREMELY big, but for your ease any of the particularly egregious parts are bolded. As you read it, remember, she chose to send this to her victim. For them to read.

hey everyone, it's zeuvia, or as some people still refer to me, icy/icezer.

according to a collective of people, i abused and groomed a friend of mine who also currently happens to be a minor. i'm tired of dancing around it because at this point irreversible damage has been done to both my life and the victim's life (despite it being against my wishes.) for sake of respect to the person i hurt i will not be naming them, and i should also probably mention that i don't condone any form of harassment or advocating for me, i really fucking don't. i'm not innocent. even if i've been accused of something that, for all intents and purposes, i can swear up and down i didn't actually do, i'm NOT innocent. if you aaksed me i'd tell you i emotionally mangled them and that i didn't groom them (such would imply there was intent, in which there wasn't), but who even fucknig cares if i'm telling the truth or not because for what it's worth i'm probly just wrong! the behaviors i'm about to describe have only occurred with one individual and i could swear to you they're not gonna happen again, and that i have 100% learned my lesson, but i have a feeling my own word doesn't really mean jack shit here. i have no reason to lie considering i'm severely depressed and hate myself and internent brownie points are really the last thing on my mind, i just wanna be honest because that's the right thing to do and i feel like i have nothing left to lose since i already just want to fuckin end myself.

there are a few things i should preface before we start. i am currently 21 years of age, and me and my friend met when we were both minors (i was about 17.) what has come to pass is ultimately a product of me having no actual friendships until i met them, and having grown up in environments that left me with a severe lack of social knowledge and guidance for way too many things. i'm going to be telling things from my perspective but will not be leaving relative events out, at all. i was not asked for my side or motives at all during all of this, instead being publicly shamed and humiliated within the one community i used to be active in (making a statement regarding what i have done counts as publicly shaming me, fwiw.)

[NOTE: Icezer’s behavior had only been talked about in two private servers up to this point.]

believe what you want to believe, at this rate i fucking loathe myself and don't think i deserve another chance regardless of just "wanting my home back" or just "wanting my friends back."

i used to be... overly clingy and hovery, for starters. i grew way, WAY too attached to them and often over-depended on them. i used to hover over their social media because at the time i didn't realize that was freak behavior. i used to hover over what they would say and do, not realizing i was being way too fucking obtrusive with what i was trying to know. at times where they would seemingly go missing, i'd become a muttering pile of depression and anxiety because i was simply too attached to them to function on my own. i used to be unable to do activities or certain things without them, couldn't function in certain envrionments without them, out of a dependence i couldn't shake. it also didn't help that i had (and still have) severe trust issues and found myself really only opening up to and venting to and relying on... them. over time i slowly started to open up to and trust others, but i still had an awful tendency to lean on them way too fucking hard while they had too much going on.

i used to not handle conflict very well. i had a horrible, HORRIBLE tendency to just keep moving or not follow up or not let time pass because i had no idea that conflict garnered some time away from each other, or time used to mentally slow down. there was a pattern where my friend would silently leave, and due to being overattached i almost always did not handle it very well. the last notable time my friend went missing with no word, when i got word that they came back silently i was THROUGH with them... for 2 hours. whenever i would get angry or conflict would occur, it would alll just spike up, and then... silence, as if it never happened. this is because, again, i had not been around people enough to know that time away, or space, or all things that usually naturally follow conflict.... were normal. so they never happened with me. i'm of the personal mind that i try to forgive fast, but that mindset used to hinder me in giving space and time to others involved.

and finally, i was EXTREMELY and overly attached to them. they held unbridled affection, care, and (family level) love from me, in ways i had never had to previously manage or monitor. we also grew close mutually and got somewhat intimate with each other (while not going into details we often cuddled or hugged through text, shit i would only do with family or loved ones. there was also absolutely no nsfw talk or behavior as i more than refuse to even say a word of that shit in DMs with a minor.) this came with the obstacle that, for a while, i had thought my level of attachment to them equaled "we should be in a relationship." i ended up asking to be in a relationship with them about 3 notable different times, all 3 times they said no. the feelings i had were ultimately never romantic in nature, as just for the record they really weren't my type and i could only love them like a little brother, but due to how i came off about it, others were led to believe i was trying to muscle my way into a relationship with them... and i just want to say that's NOT what i was trying to do. i ultimately just wanted them to be happy, and yes i was really attached to them, but i never wanted to be with them romantically because at first i didn't actually feel romantic feelings towards ANYONE

[NOTE: This doesn’t match up with what she said in the past.]

(and i later would get those feelings for others, and they in fact did not match what i felt towards my friend), and even then after my first actual relationship with someone i decided i'd be better off single as there's a high chance i carry too much emotional and mental baggage for one person to notably take care of. it almost seemed i acted like i was owed their affection back, which i most certainly was not and even then would have told you the same. they were not obligated to show any respect, kindness, or affection to me; nobody ever was or has been. sure i try to be nice and emotionally honest with those i'm close to, but i have never expected any form of love or respect back to me, as i'm simply used to not receiving it. this means that yes, any time i've been there for someone or supported them through their hard times or made gifts for them or shown any form of kindness or respect, i have not expected it back.

[NOTE: Entitlement to Bloops’ affection was expressed outright.]

i am dead serious when i say that, because you're talking to an antisocial fuck who is mainly scared of people, and when i'm not scared of people i'm just of the mind they they can be really, REALLY cruel. i grew up without friends and constantly felt like an outcast (and still have no irl friends) so that may not be surprising. anyways, this overattachment was rather toxic in nature, as it wound up hurting the both of us and i couldn't see it until things came to a head.

this all started back during roughly january/february from what i can tell, as many people have chosen to outright not speak to me despite there being a clear level of me not knowing what's going on (there are things i was seemingly supposed to know but didn't, so sorry for being stupid.) at this point in time my friend and i have a very close but extremely wobbly friendship, as there are several things i did that ultimately led me to fucking killing our bond in ways i couldn't even comprehend until it was too late. my friend goes to privately talk to me as they preface they're uncomfortable with how much affection i'm showing them as of late given i'm not currently in a relationship with them. i acknowledge they're uncomfortable and let them know i'd ease up a bit once they're with someone, as the whole relationship thing is something we had talked about prior. they then explain to me in a rather haphazard way that they HAVE found someone, and from a combination of it being someone who i had actually had a crush on, having too much going on in my life, being blindsided by how this was explained to me and left confused, and generally being in an extremely unstable position mentally and emotionally... i tore them to shreds. said a lot of things i never would have meant and wish i could take back so fucking badly. even saying some things simply OUT OF that mental instability (i said they cucked me behind my back, but in reality that's not what happened at all and my emotions were taking the wheel for me while i spoke.) this was in a gc with a few other people, and i made the extremely bad decision to leave that gc and badger them in DMs to "get things out of my system." i ultimately did "get it out of my system", but of course... i didn't really give them space or time to process just how much i had throttled them. during the middle of the day while i'm still a wreck and emotionally confused i mention a possible polyamorous relationship ONCE, but then try to explain that while i had thought about it it probably wouldn't be a good idea. near the end of the night we're both getting ready to sleep and relaxing together, and at that point in time due to realizing what i had done and having the guilt set in i seemed rather hesitant to do or say anything, saying that maybe we shouldn't. i was willing to give them space and time because i felt like the current course of action was wrong. this prompted them to tell me that it was alright and try to reassure me, and due to me being mentally unstable... it works. i am reassured and at the time my hesitation and nervousness go away. the next morning things seem normal, but later in the day they explain to me they felt ready to throw up when i spoke to them that morning and they ultimately explain to me that we need time away from each other. they initially preface that they're just gonna take a long break from discord, and i was even willing to leave them alone for an entire year. their break starts and i try my best to hang in there.

time passes and i'm having a normal night, in which i am suddenly in a group chat with them and members of SRB2 moderation including Frostiikin, DylanDude, and Charyb. logs are then posted and then it's explained why i'm there. out of sheer anxiety and not knowing what in the fuck is going on i ask who made the gc, to which Dylan asks what i could possibly be so scared of only for me to be unable to explain it (which, when facing extreme anxiety, is actually somewhat usually my response to a question like that.) it is then explained that as of then i am permanently and indefinitely banned from two certain spaces i won't be naming (i had already been removed from the official discord) for grooming a minor, and they both proceed to tear into me while having me cornered (Charyb moreso than Dylan.) at this rate i am shaking violently and struggling to type straight, begging for them to hear me out and trying to tell them it truly wasn't what it looked like. Charyb remarks after a few of my shakily typed messages that it's "not cute" and that i should have some self respect when being confronted in such a manner. i then force myself to type extremely slow all the while continuing to shake and now having difficulty breathing, alongside nausea and tingling in my arms and hands. i am having the most severe panic attack i have ever had, but say nothing about it since at the time i didn't want to seem like i was trying to pull some empathy tactic since i felt it could be read as such. after seeking a chance to explain or defend myself, i am told that this decision is not negotioable and am given no such chance. i ask if i can make a closing statement of sorts, since at this point i WAS trying to get better and was already doing several things to prevent my bad behaviors from happening again (a friend started paying for therapy for me since i literally can't fucking afford it, i had several paradigm shifts, stopped hovering around my friend's socials, was intent on giving time and space where appropriate from then on, and was starting to shake the overattachment the most i ever had.) only for Dylan and Charyb to both give short and blunt responses. i am then removed from the gc and my panic attack continues as the next several hours whirlwind past; i am trying to reach people and having most of them immediately cut me off. i go to speak to DylanDude in my panicked state, but am clearly bothering him. my panic symptoms continue, ultimately lasting for over 12 hours and garnering a visit to the hospital after i tried to reach both of my brothers and tell them what's going on, only for THEM to get a hold of my mother who then called me and mentioned she couldn't be home for a bit since she had work, but could leave early if it meant taking me to the hospital later. i'm stuck on my bed facing my symptoms, and after enough time speaking to friends goes on i get up and try to look for my mom, all the while i'm lightheaded and can barely walk. i go downstairs and i can't find her, so i come back up the stairs only to see her sitting on my bed. i hug her as tightly as i can and break down the most i ever have in my life, having my breathing noticeably speed up on it's own and crying and letting out lots of audible noise in ways that aren't normal from me, and she holds me for about half an hour. we talk and she tells me i should try to rest, which at the time i tyell her i had recently been taking sleep meds for the past few days (hi i'm a giant insomniac) so that maybe i shouldn't since she had told me i shouldn't take it for too many days consecutively. she insists on it while expressing i NEED my rest at that point, so she fetches the bottle and i take a full dose; my body only lets me sleep 5 hours, and i'm still unable to breath properly and shaking to an extent. i am then taken to the hospital which is a little under an hour away (i took a picture while i was there, telling friends that i really do not like hospitals), and ultimately... nothing happens. we're told to go to some other place as the hospital can't really do much for mental suffering. we go home and i sleep, waking up early so that my mother can drive me to a crisis center, where i then proceed to admit myself. i am told to put on scrubs and leave my clothes and phone in a paper bag, to which i mention where i am to some close friends in a gc and proceed to comply. i stay there for 24 hours for monitoring and so that i can meet with a doctor the next day. couldn't ever forget the place since it happened to open my eyes quite a bit and i had to sleep in a fucking chair. the next day comes and i get to speak to the doc, and not long after that i get to go home. i ultimately speak to another doctor and am prescribed medication for my severe anxiety and panic attacks (sertraline, to be specific.)

what follows is a period of time where i simply don't know what to do and things seemingly keep getting worse. i start having ptsd level flashbacks (still having them, by the way) to when Dylan and Charyb confronted me, my depression comes back (though that partially has to do with my meds), i wind up hurting myself physically and take a razor to my arm, sheerly out of guilt and feeling i deserve it (my arm has yet to fully heal and two different videos exist; one when the injuries were fresh and another after they had mostly healed), i have several days where i lose my appetite and lose sleep, i wind up wanting to kll myself out of feeling like a burden to people around me (similarly to when i tried to kll myself back during january due to feeling like a burden to my friend. yes, that happened), and come april i emotionally cave and get myself drunk for the very first time a week before my birthday just from how much emotional pain i'm in. people were not talking to me. my friend was not talking to me. i am very much so in the dark about quite a lot still. there were a few times i had mutual friends ask them a question or two on my behalf, namely if they hated me or not, as i really just wanted to know what the fucking truth was. i get an answer of "i don't hate her, but i don't want to talk to her." i have always explained to my friend that if their life would be better if they cut me out of it, they should just fucking do it, because i just want them to be happy. while all of this time has gone by i do not try to contact them a single time directly, but apparently friends of mine kept mentioning me around them against their wishes. some of them also kept showing me DMs, which was a breach of confidentiality that i quite frankly would have respected had intentions been clear (they weren't. there was a distinct lack of communication to me about a MORE THAN A LOT of things, and apparently a lack of communication from my friend to our mutual friends.). this streak is broken on the 26th of april, to which point i simply tried (to my knowledge in complete vain) to reach them since from what i had heard they were deleting their discord account due to things involving the touhou community. them leaving meant they'd be leaving their friends, their home communities, and their girlfriend of the time, and as someone who had gone through them leaving for a bit only to come back after... and having that hurt a lot, i didn't want them to wind up doing that to others. this was the one, singular time i tried to directly contact them, because i didn't want them to fucking hurt my own friends in a way they had more than definitely hurt me before.

it then comes to light that the real reason they're leaving is more or less due to the fact that they seemingly just can't escape me, and in the words of the person who relayed that message it made those mutual friends of mine (including my friend's gf) pretty shitty friends for enabling me and doing things like sharing DMs and poking them to talk to me and mentioning me around them.

all i wanted was for them to be able to be happy. for them to stay with their friends, in the places that they belong. i wanted them to have closure after i hurt them the ways i did. it didn't matter to me that i lost over 3/4 of my own friends, that i lost my only home community. i just wanted them to be able to be happy and move on, even if it meant never speaking to me again. i was never told the truth until it was too late. i'm tired of staying quiet because i am dead fucking serious when i say to you that upon learning this, i wanted to fucking kill myself for feeling i ruined their goddamn life. i've been talked down, but those feelings have yet to truly go away. i can't even call that friend of mine my little brother anymore... not after what i did to them and what i caused in their life. i don't fucking care that everyone around me is saying i'm not responsible for the choices they made, it's all my fucking fault and i refuse to hear otherwise. they had to leave their friends, their home, their girlfriend, because of the fact that i was just simply around. because of me. i've already apologized to them in the ways that i can, but at this point i feel like any form of "i'm sorry" just... means nothing. i just wanted to do the right thing, but it feels at this point everything i say or do is doomed to be misinterpeted or wrong. it feels like everywhere i move, everytyhing i do, is wrong. i don't care that i'm currently on therapy, currently on meds, currently about to get a job for the first time and am in the middle of trying to make my own life better. it doesn't matter that i learned my lesson and won't be making the same mistakes again. i ruined their fucking life. and if it were truly up to me, i'd tell you that i deserve to die.

by the time you get down here there's a good chance i'm considering offing myself still, because the guilt of what i have caused and done is most likely going to haunt me for the rest of my life. i don't deserve a second chance. i don't deserve a home. i don't deserve any of my friends.

to everyone i have hurt and to everyone i let down from being unable to care for myself... i'm sorry.